10 new jokes I’ve never said on stage

10 new jokes I’ve never said on stage

HEY! Thanks for reading my blog. If you have a second, let me know in the comments if you think any of these jokes are worth trying on stage or worth exploring further.

To have a pizza party all you need is at least one person and at least one pizza. That’s what’s so great about pizza.

“You mean the world to me.” What climate change deniers say to people they hate.

Earthquakes, droughts, heat…

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1 week ago · 5 notes

The Alex Stein Podcast

The Alex Stein Podcast

This past summer I had the pleasure of sitting in on a very memorable podcast recording. The Alex Stein Podcast, starring Alex Stein, is a delightful, funny, and thought provoking podcast that can be enjoyed by the whole family. This particular episode is a must listen, and I would like to share it with you today.

In this episode, Alex sits down with his dad, Joe Stein up at their cabin in…

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2 weeks ago · 0 notes

New pajamas!

New pajamas!

3 weeks ago · 5 notes

Unicorns the Web Series - Pilot

It s candle that transforms into a beer glass! I want to drink it!

It s candle that transforms into a beer glass! I want to drink it!

3 weeks ago · 1 note

Cat camping! With Mountain Goat.

Cat camping! With Mountain Goat.

3 weeks ago · 1 note

Designer nails. #CMYK

Designer nails. #CMYK

3 weeks ago · 1 note

Does Adrian Peterson have CTE?

Does Adrian Peterson have CTE?

The symptoms of CTE include memory loss, confusion, impaired judgment, impulse control problems, aggression, depression, anxiety, suicidality, parkinsonism, and, eventually, progressive dementia.

CTE is caused by repetitive brain trauma, such that occurs on a regular basis in football.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Adrian Peterson and many other NFL players in the news lately have CTE. Sure, they…

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1 month ago · 2 notes

Update: Unicorn Blog

In case you didn’t know, I have a blog devoted entirely to rating unicorn images. Today I take a look at the Hello Kitty controversy and as always, give a completely non biased review of this unicorn image.

Read it HERE

or here: http://unicornratings.tumblr.com/post/97162502699/new-evidence-has-surfaced-claiming-that-hello

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1 month ago · 1 note

unicornratings:

New evidence has surfaced claiming that Hello Kitty is not a kitty, and is in fact a human girl. This is of course upsetting to the human girl populations around the world who assumed they were cat lovers. Turns out, they are actually hairy human girl lovers.
Needless to say, the mythical creature world is freaking the fuck out as allegations of deception are being tossed around like a midget at a midget tossing toss-o-rama festival tossing event.
Unicorns, as well as Frosty the Snowman, Mickey Mouse and Dog the Bounty Hunter are most notably under scrutiny to prove that they really are what they claim to be. Is Frosty a snowman? Is  Mickey a mouse? Is Dog the Bounty Hunter a walking mullet commercial?
One things for sure, Unicorns have nothing to hide. To prove it, they have been going out of their way to show their love and support for Hello Human Girl. They aren’t afraid to pose in front of paparazzi! Love the pink and yellow tail swooshes and the jointless legs. The 24 karat gold and pearl friendship anklet on the rear leg is breathtaking. It’s a great way to accessorize and show that you have friends. And don’t we all have a friend in this unicorn? Nice eyeball shape. Great flat stomach area. 10 stars

If you only read one thing about unicorns today, make it this blog!

unicornratings:

New evidence has surfaced claiming that Hello Kitty is not a kitty, and is in fact a human girl. This is of course upsetting to the human girl populations around the world who assumed they were cat lovers. Turns out, they are actually hairy human girl lovers.

Needless to say, the mythical creature world is freaking the fuck out as allegations of deception are being tossed around like a midget at a midget tossing toss-o-rama festival tossing event.

Unicorns, as well as Frosty the Snowman, Mickey Mouse and Dog the Bounty Hunter are most notably under scrutiny to prove that they really are what they claim to be. Is Frosty a snowman? Is  Mickey a mouse? Is Dog the Bounty Hunter a walking mullet commercial?

One things for sure, Unicorns have nothing to hide. To prove it, they have been going out of their way to show their love and support for Hello Human Girl. They aren’t afraid to pose in front of paparazzi! Love the pink and yellow tail swooshes and the jointless legs. The 24 karat gold and pearl friendship anklet on the rear leg is breathtaking. It’s a great way to accessorize and show that you have friends. And don’t we all have a friend in this unicorn? Nice eyeball shape. Great flat stomach area. 10 stars

If you only read one thing about unicorns today, make it this blog!

1 month ago · 12 notes · Source

The 2009 Minnesota Vikings

The 2009 Minnesota Vikings

Do you guys remember when Brett Favre played for the Vikings? In 2009 we were 12 and 4, winning our division. (The second year in a row.) We were one game away from the Super Bowl! Nay, we were 3 points away. We lost to the Saints in Over Time, 28-31.

Watching Brett Favre lead our team in a purple jersey was surreal! (Though I suppose if he was in a green jersey it would have been confusing.) And…

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1 month ago · 0 notes

My Rules For Headlining a Show

My Rules For Headlining a Show

The best part about being a headliner, is that you get to make all the rules. It’s awesome, and it’s why everyone wants to be the headliner. The MC doesn’t get to makeup a single rule, and they’re not allowed to wear mascara. At least not at any of MY shows. (wink, that’s one of my rules.)

Next Tuesday, September 2nd at 9:30pm I’m headlining at Flappers Yoohoo room in Burbank Californina!

To buy…

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1 month ago · 2 notes

The people of the public library. (at Lake Calhoun - North Beach)

The people of the public library. (at Lake Calhoun - North Beach)

1 month ago · 4 notes

unicornratings:

The Kentucky Derby is a dumb event where dumb famous people gather to wear dumb hats and look at dumb horses. It doesn’t hold a candle to the Kentucky Derby for Unicorns AKA the Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter-Soup Unicorn DERBY.
So why am I mentioning the “Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter Soup Unicorn DERBY?” It just so happens that the winner of last years derby is pictured above. Yes indeed. Her name is Jessica, but her human insists on calling her “Bubble Gum Dancer,” because humans rarely ask their animal friends what their names are. It’s quite rude, and then they’re surprised when they don’t answer!
Look at Jessica’s ankles and knee joints. Just look at them. Are you looking at them? They’re GLORIOUS! I know that the ankles are a little hard to see because of the glistening fog, but even through the haze, it is obvious how beautiful and sturdy they are. Mr Unicorn God knew what he was doing when he made unicorn legs. I only wish Unicorn Giraffes were a thing so I could have even more legs to look at.
Congratulations Jessica, on your big derby win. Fantastic tail hair, I love that it comes out of the perfect part of your butt. Not too high. Not too low. Lovely face skin. 10 stars.

Finally, a non biased review of Unicorn Images!

unicornratings:

The Kentucky Derby is a dumb event where dumb famous people gather to wear dumb hats and look at dumb horses. It doesn’t hold a candle to the Kentucky Derby for Unicorns AKA the Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter-Soup Unicorn DERBY.

So why am I mentioning the “Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter Soup Unicorn DERBY?” It just so happens that the winner of last years derby is pictured above. Yes indeed. Her name is Jessica, but her human insists on calling her “Bubble Gum Dancer,” because humans rarely ask their animal friends what their names are. It’s quite rude, and then they’re surprised when they don’t answer!

Look at Jessica’s ankles and knee joints. Just look at them. Are you looking at them? They’re GLORIOUS! I know that the ankles are a little hard to see because of the glistening fog, but even through the haze, it is obvious how beautiful and sturdy they are. Mr Unicorn God knew what he was doing when he made unicorn legs. I only wish Unicorn Giraffes were a thing so I could have even more legs to look at.

Congratulations Jessica, on your big derby win. Fantastic tail hair, I love that it comes out of the perfect part of your butt. Not too high. Not too low. Lovely face skin. 10 stars.

Finally, a non biased review of Unicorn Images!

2 months ago · 16 notes · Source

Topical Storm Andy!

MOST PIERCED MAN
The Most Pierced Man in the world was denied entry to Dubai last week. Unable to James Bond his way in, it’s apparent none of his piercing’s are Brosnan.

The Most Pierced Man in the world was denied entry to Dubai last week. He was scheduled to appear at a circus themed bar event. But like the man’s face and genitals, they decided to “put a pin in it.”

CANDY CRUSH
King Digital,…

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2 months ago · 1 note