My Rules For Headlining a Show

My Rules For Headlining a Show

The best part about being a headliner, is that you get to make all the rules. It’s awesome, and it’s why everyone wants to be the headliner. The MC doesn’t get to makeup a single rule, and they’re not allowed to wear mascara. At least not at any of MY shows. (wink, that’s one of my rules.)

Next Tuesday, September 2nd at 9:30pm I’m headlining at Flappers Yoohoo room in Burbank Californina!

To buy…

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1 week ago · 2 notes

The people of the public library. (at Lake Calhoun - North Beach)

The people of the public library. (at Lake Calhoun - North Beach)

1 week ago · 4 notes

unicornratings:

The Kentucky Derby is a dumb event where dumb famous people gather to wear dumb hats and look at dumb horses. It doesn’t hold a candle to the Kentucky Derby for Unicorns AKA the Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter-Soup Unicorn DERBY.
So why am I mentioning the “Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter Soup Unicorn DERBY?” It just so happens that the winner of last years derby is pictured above. Yes indeed. Her name is Jessica, but her human insists on calling her “Bubble Gum Dancer,” because humans rarely ask their animal friends what their names are. It’s quite rude, and then they’re surprised when they don’t answer!
Look at Jessica’s ankles and knee joints. Just look at them. Are you looking at them? They’re GLORIOUS! I know that the ankles are a little hard to see because of the glistening fog, but even through the haze, it is obvious how beautiful and sturdy they are. Mr Unicorn God knew what he was doing when he made unicorn legs. I only wish Unicorn Giraffes were a thing so I could have even more legs to look at.
Congratulations Jessica, on your big derby win. Fantastic tail hair, I love that it comes out of the perfect part of your butt. Not too high. Not too low. Lovely face skin. 10 stars.

Finally, a non biased review of Unicorn Images!

unicornratings:

The Kentucky Derby is a dumb event where dumb famous people gather to wear dumb hats and look at dumb horses. It doesn’t hold a candle to the Kentucky Derby for Unicorns AKA the Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter-Soup Unicorn DERBY.

So why am I mentioning the “Unicorn on the Cob Starfruit Gatorade Sunshine Butt Hotel Dove Moonbeam Squirrel Flower Hippie Shimmer Shimmer Glitter Soup Unicorn DERBY?” It just so happens that the winner of last years derby is pictured above. Yes indeed. Her name is Jessica, but her human insists on calling her “Bubble Gum Dancer,” because humans rarely ask their animal friends what their names are. It’s quite rude, and then they’re surprised when they don’t answer!

Look at Jessica’s ankles and knee joints. Just look at them. Are you looking at them? They’re GLORIOUS! I know that the ankles are a little hard to see because of the glistening fog, but even through the haze, it is obvious how beautiful and sturdy they are. Mr Unicorn God knew what he was doing when he made unicorn legs. I only wish Unicorn Giraffes were a thing so I could have even more legs to look at.

Congratulations Jessica, on your big derby win. Fantastic tail hair, I love that it comes out of the perfect part of your butt. Not too high. Not too low. Lovely face skin. 10 stars.

Finally, a non biased review of Unicorn Images!

1 week ago · 12 notes · Source

Topical Storm Andy!

MOST PIERCED MAN
The Most Pierced Man in the world was denied entry to Dubai last week. Unable to James Bond his way in, it’s apparent none of his piercing’s are Brosnan.

The Most Pierced Man in the world was denied entry to Dubai last week. He was scheduled to appear at a circus themed bar event. But like the man’s face and genitals, they decided to “put a pin in it.”

CANDY CRUSH
King Digital,…

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2 weeks ago · 1 note

Topical Jokes! August 16, 2014

Topical Jokes! August 16, 2014

POISONED TEA
A woman is in critical condition after accidentally drinking poisoned tea last week. Police suspect Walter White, and kind of think the woman had it coming. I mean, who even mixes Stevia into their tea?

To be honest, We’re not sure if this is a news story or if the reporter just finished watching the series finale of Breaking Bad.

THE REDHEAD STUDENT
A redhead was sent home from…

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2 weeks ago · 0 notes

Ahhhhhhsavvenyaaaaa!

Ahhhhhhsavvenyaaaaa!

2 weeks ago · 5 notes

Fishing against my will. (at Lake George Regional Park)

Fishing against my will. (at Lake George Regional Park)

2 weeks ago · 2 notes

There’s just something about hammocks. (at Lake George Regional Park)

There’s just something about hammocks. (at Lake George Regional Park)

2 weeks ago · 0 notes

Do Comedy Contests Matter?

Do Comedy Contests Matter?

In 2010 I performed in the Boston Comedy Festival. I was extremely excited and honored to be a part of it, and had high hopes that this festival could help direct my career towards a fast track to stardom. Or at least a TV credit. The first round went great. I drew 2nd, which isn’t horrible. Going first is called “Taking the bullet” because it really is like being sacrificed for the benefit of…

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3 weeks ago · 1 note

We’ve trained our cat to vacuum the walls!

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Home sweet NoHo.  (at 170 Fwy)

Home sweet NoHo. (at 170 Fwy)

4 weeks ago · 2 notes

unicornratings:

This is what you get when you mate a shark with a unicorn. The sharkicorn. Normally, sharks only mate with other sharks and pro basketball players, but once every thousand years, a unicorn gets drunk and rides her rainbow into the ocean for a fling. And boy, am I glad she did. This is a magnificent animal. It’s beautifully iridescent coat shines as bright as a straight man’s secret glitter eyeshadow collection. It’s mane mimics the patterns found naturally in wave formations, making waves look ridiculous in comparison. Sharks are constantly moving. If a shark stops swimming it will die. And just as with a shark, if you stop looking at this sharkicorn, you will die. Because your eyes will never again feast on something so amazing. Shark Week is the most watched week of television in the United States, but that’s only because Unicorn Week hasn’t been invented yet. Oh but it will. And it won’t be a week. It will be… A MONTH! MUAHAHAHAHA. Nice cheekbones. Good ears. 10 stars.

The most accurate unicorn reviews on the internet. Hands down.

unicornratings:

This is what you get when you mate a shark with a unicorn. The sharkicorn. Normally, sharks only mate with other sharks and pro basketball players, but once every thousand years, a unicorn gets drunk and rides her rainbow into the ocean for a fling. And boy, am I glad she did. This is a magnificent animal. It’s beautifully iridescent coat shines as bright as a straight man’s secret glitter eyeshadow collection. It’s mane mimics the patterns found naturally in wave formations, making waves look ridiculous in comparison. Sharks are constantly moving. If a shark stops swimming it will die. And just as with a shark, if you stop looking at this sharkicorn, you will die. Because your eyes will never again feast on something so amazing. Shark Week is the most watched week of television in the United States, but that’s only because Unicorn Week hasn’t been invented yet. Oh but it will. And it won’t be a week. It will be… A MONTH! MUAHAHAHAHA. Nice cheekbones. Good ears. 10 stars.

The most accurate unicorn reviews on the internet. Hands down.

1 month ago · 13 notes · Source

Paralyzed mountain movies. (at Paramount Pictures)

Paralyzed mountain movies. (at Paramount Pictures)

1 month ago · 0 notes

Harry Potter Obama Sonic Backpack Shirt

After seeing this image on an Asian backpack, I had to own it. Unfortunately I couldn’t find the backpack anywhere.

Harry Potter Obama Sonic Backpack Shirt

After seeing this image on an Asian backpack, I had to own it. Unfortunately I couldn’t find the backpack anywhere.

1 month ago · 3 notes

Moonshine at sunset.

Moonshine at sunset.

1 month ago · 3 notes